Dickology
Disclaimer Today — Datclaimer Tomorrow
This article is satirical nonsense manifested from creative Conscious Awareness warping my apparent brain, during COVID19 Lockdown. I wrote it Here & Now (honestly!). Some might find this article offensive — particularly Neo-Advaitans. You have been warned. Whether you read at your Peril or Pleasure, I am grateful for you engaging your non-existent neurons to berate my non-existent article.
Dickology makes an Entrance
The World seems to be awash with the heartfelt seeking of ordinary folk to ease their suffering. The Internet has seen a resurgence of existing religions, ancient beliefs but especially New Age Spiritual Movers & Groovers keen to capitalize on this new Global Spiritual Zeitgeist.
I have decided to join the Cosmic Gravy Train. Whilst contemplating the Nether Lands one day, I felt the Divine Essence rise up within me. An unspecified gender neutral voice gravely whispered: Bharat! You must start a new Spiritual Movement and Ye Shall Call It: Dickology!
After checking my phone for Crank Apps and Viruses, I concluded The Voice was likely from my Neighbour nextdoor. No matter — Let’s do this!
Dickology Rulez
- All the believers, Dicks, have an Ass-soul. But as the Founders, we don’t actually believe in Dickology. Just like in any other religion, spirituality, philosophy, us Great Sages must maintain our ways of freedom versus what we preach to the masses.
- Our online media-manipulation events helps us Spread the Seed of Dickology. We call these events: Mental Masturbation
- We only allow Dicks to become paid members. But if your name is Richard Cummings, you never have to pay because you just might be The Second Cummings we have been waiting for…Oh Yes: The Great Prophylactic!
- If some of our followers do get a wad Highty-Mighty Spiritual-Bypassy then we refer to them as suffering from: Penile Envy. This would entail reading the five ancient teachings of The First Cummings written during COVID19 Lockdown April 2020.
- Contrary to popular belief, those who break these Rulez and don’t Play Balls will not undergo Circumcision. This is because Dickology is all about Love and not about being actual dicks.
- Dickology is a post-COVID19 panentheist belief system. The prime notion is that God is the Big Dick in all of us, therefore we are all Dicks! Hence, importance is placed on Humbleness, with regards to our true nature.
- Every Belief System (especially Law of Attraction) has their own: Big Secret. Dickology is not different. The Secret here is: There is no Big Dick! It’s all just a massive Phallus-cy. Note: Neo-Advaita has no mystical Open Secret, because they don’t exist….apparently.
Dickology Jokens
Learn these koans which we call Jokens, to embrace your Wand’ering Spirit:
Q: What’s a Buddhist favourite drink?
A: Buddhweiser.
Q: What’s a Pleiadian Starseed’s favourite drink?
A: Buddhi-Light.
Q: What’s a Nisargadattan’s favourite drink?
A: Absolut-e Vodka.
Q: How many Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The Eye that sees the Lightbulb, is the Light. Change your Eye so one may clearly see.
Q: How many Douglas Adams Fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 43
Q: Wtf? Why 43? Wouldn’t this Joken make better sense if it was 42?
A: No it’s 43 in case someone panics.
Q: How many Pleiadian Starseeds does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they think they’re already the light.
Q: How many Neo-Advaitans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There is no bulb. No light. No me. No you. Nothing. No thing. Nyet. Nada…..No Joken.
Q: Why did the Astrological Chicken cross the road?
A: Because it’s horoscope said so.
Q: Why did the Neo-Advaita Chicken cross the road?
A: There is no chicken. There is no road. There is nothing happening. No thing. Why are you still reading this answer? It is no answer. This is not a Joken. The Message is: There is no Message. Bye. No Bye. (FFS!).
Q: Why did the Spiritual Chicken cross the road?
A: It was guided by Archangel Sanders.
Q: Why did the Psychedelic Chicken cross the Rainbow?
A: Please lay down until you recover ‘cos you’re tripping.
Q: Why did the Advaita-Vedanta Chicken cross the road?
A: That You are Aware of this Question, is Blissfully Enough.
Q: Why did the Taoist Chicken cross the road?
A: Duh! By putting all your attention into the Chicken, you missed the Flow of the Road!
Q: Why did the Islamic Chicken cross the road?
A: Because it had submitted to Allah’s Will.
Q: Why did the Jewish Chicken cross the road?
A: Because it’s mother told it to go over and say hello to the nice female chicken.
Q: Why did the Vegan Chicken cross the road?
A: It wasn’t a chicken but Seitan in disguise.
Q: What does a Hindu?
A: Lays eggs.
Q: Why did the Great Spiritual Indian Leader become upset?
A: Everyone forgot his birthday so he became a little bit Sadhguru.
Q: Why did the innocent Guy break up with his kinky Spiritual Girlfriend?
A: He thought she wanted to heat up their night time antics through Manfistation.
Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva walk into a Bar. Brahma got into a fight. Vishnu sustained it. Shiva steps in and ends it.
I wonder why if my New Age Spiritualist friends are So Woke, that they are always So Late?
A Nihilist, a Solipsist and a Nondualist took a hot air balloon trip.
The Nihilist said: “Nothing matters, not even I” and promptly jumped out.
The Solipsist shouted: “Hey that’s illogical since you exist in my mind!” and jumped after the Nihilist to argue his point.
The Nondualist realised: “Dammit, no separation! GERONIMO!!”
When a Panpsychist is in deep dreamless sleep, does anyone really care?
Q: Upon getting out of bed, what did the Christian Flatlander say when the Sun failed to rise?
A: Morning has broken. Awww, Shiiit!
Q: Did you hear about the Sith Lord who became Enlightened?
A: After taking up Yoda Yoga, he changed his name to Darth Vedas
An Enlightened Being walked into bar and ordered a drink. The Barman poured himself a drink and drank it. The Enlightened Being paid for the drink, said “Thank You” and walked out.
Q: Did you hear about the childhood favourite train engine character that discovered New Age Spirituality and Polyamory?
A: He wants to now be known as: Thomas the Tantric Sex Engine & Friends.
Q: Why did the Four Musketeers like Kashmiri Shaivism?
A: Because they were All for One and One for All!
Q: Why did the Neo-Advaitan want to join the Starship Enterprise?
A: He wanted to get rid of his Kling-ons.
Q: What happened to the Borg Collective when they met the Neo-Advaitans?
A: The Borg were Assimilated!
Q: Did you hear about the stubborn Western Nonduality Teacher who had a toothache?
A: He finally got it resolved with a Traditional Vedentist.
Q: How do you make a Jungian Omelette?
A: First, One Consciously cracks the Eggo.
Q: How do you make a Jungian Omelette?
A: First, One Consciously cracks the Eggo.
Q: What sound does a Sufi make when they hesitate?
A: Sofaaa
Q: If a Buddhist mediates what does a Sufi do?
A: Ruminate.
Q: What do you call someone who tells too many Sufi jokes?
A: A Rumist
Final Thoughts
Ok, I’m done. If you have any feedback feel free to post them in the comments below, especially if you have a new Joken!
Thanks for reading and assuming it exists, I am probably going to Hell, so see you there.
😂 🤗🙏
